Kawały i dowcipy w kategoii: Alkohol

Kawały i dowcipy w kategoii: Alkohol

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Turysta w Zakopanym wchodzi do knajpy, siada przy barze i pyta:
- Barman, co polecisz dziś do picia w ten deszczowy dzień?
- Ano, panocku, drink "Góracy"! Odpowiada barman.
- Jak to "Góracy", co to jest?!
Barman na to:
- Widzicie, biezemy sklanecke wina...no moze być dwie...góra cy i wlewamy do garnka. Potem biezemy sklanecke piwa...no może być dwie...góra cy i wlewamy do tego samego garnka.
Następnie sklanecke wódecki...moze dwie...góra cy i wlewamy do tego samego garnecka.
Na koniec biezemy sklanecke koniacku...no moze dwie...góra cy i wlewamy do garnecka.
Garnek stawiamy na ogniu i miesając, gzejemy cas jakiś. Później nalewamy i pijemy sklanecke... moze dwie...no góra cy. Po wypiciu wstajemy...robimy krocek...moze dwa...no, góra cy!

Przychodzi pijany małżonek do domu. Żonę to bardzo "ucieszyło", więc wściekła jak 100 choler pyta:
- Będziesz jeszcze pił ?
Mąż siedzi cicho, więc żona powtarza:
- Będziesz jeszcze pił ?
Mąż dalej nic.
- Odpowiedziałbyś w końcu, czy będziesz jeszcze pił ???
Na co mąż z wysiłkiem:
- ooooossssssssszzzzzzzzzzz, kurna, doobraaaaaaa, naleej...

Pan domu budzi się około południa na zimnej podłodze w przedpokoju. Włos niechlujny, szata plugawa... Ze ściśniętego gardła wydobywa się słaby szept: "Maksiuuuu, Maksiuuuu..." Wbiega radosny jamnik potrząsając uszami i węsząc dookoła. Słychać ciche: "Chuch... Szukaj..."

Nawalony facet wraca do domu i na podwórku zarzuciło go na drzewo rosnące przy ścieżce. Z logiką normalną dla takiego stanu, postanowił zemścić się na drzewie, czyli wyciąć je w pień. Wszedł do domu i dłuższy czas, bezskutecznie szuka piły. W końcu podchodzi do żony i pyta:
- Gdzie piła?
Żona wystraszona odpowiada:
- U sąsiada.
- A dlaczego dała sąsiadowi?
Żona coraz bardziej wystraszona, odpowiada drżącym głosem:
- Dała, bo piła...

Nocą otwierają się z hukiem drzwi i do domu wtacza się mąż. Przewraca się w przedpokoju, wstaje, wpada (to dobre słowo) do kuchni i zrzuca ze stojącego na kuchence garnka pokrywkę, nabiera garściami zupę, myje nią twarz potem łapie garnek i wylewa sobie całą jego zawartość na głowę
- Nie możesz sobie po prostu nalać zupy do talerza? - mówi cicho stojąca w progu, w koszuli nocnej, rozbudzona właśnie żona.
- Kto pijany ku.a? - drze sie mąż - Jak ku.a pijany?!

Przez pewną miejscowość stacjonował przejazdem wagon ze spirytusem. Wagon został skradziony. Policja dotarła po śladach, do zalanego w trup Kowalskiego. I pyta się:
- Gdzie jest wagon?
- Sprzedałem.
- A co zrobiłeś z pieniędzmi?
- Przepiłem.

Siedzi sobie dwóch żulików, siorbią wódeczkę i jeden czyta na głos gazetę:
- Tu piszą, że picie alkoholu skraca życie o połowę... Ile masz lat Stefan?
- 30.
- No widzisz, jakbyś nie pił miałbyś teraz 60!

Robotnik wykonuje swoją pracę w 4 dni i 5 godzin. Pijany robotnik tą samą
pracę w 7 dni i 8 godzin. Na budowie pracuje 7 robotników i 1 majster
nadzorujący. Majster przychodzi trzeźwy na budowę co 3 dzień, a do sklepu
monopolowego jest 13 minut biegiem.
Oblicz zysk sklepu monopolowego, gdy budowany jest dom dwukondygnacyjny?

Teoria transformacji osobowości Wieniedikta Jenofiejewa: "Z rana jestem o tyle bardziej posępny w stosunku do mnie normalnego, o ile weselszy w stosunku do siebie zwykłego byłem wieczorem".

Często o najfajniejszych chwilach w naszym życiu dowiadujemy się dopiero od świadków.

Jeśli z rana żona się do Ciebie nie odzywa, to znaczy, że impreza była udana.

Przychodzi facet do lekarza i mówi:
- Panie doktorze boli mnie wątroba
- A pije pan? - pyta lekarz
- Piję, ale nie pomaga.

Adwokat pyta swojego klienta:
- Dlaczego chce się pan rozwieść?
- Bo moja żona cały czas szwęda się po knajpach!
- Czy to znaczy, że pije?
-Nie, łazi tam za mną!

Idzie pedał przez park i zobaczył śpiącego pijaka. Postanowił z tego skorzystać. Po zaliczeniu pijaczka zrobiło mu się jednak go żal, że go tak wykorzystał i zostawił mu na pocieszenie 20 złotych. Po przebudzeniu pijaczek wziął pieniądze i pomaszerował do sklepu. Znajoma ekspedientka gdy go zobaczyła, od razu sięgnęła po denaturat ale pijaczek powstrzymał ją krzycząc: - Od dziś tylko czysta !
Zdziwienie ekspedientki było wielkie, a urosło jeszcze bardziej gdy pijak wyciągnął pieniądze. Potem pijaczek poszedł do parku, upił się do nieprzytomności i spał całą noc. Rano przez park szedł znów pedał i jeszcze raz przeleciał pijaczka zostawiając mu 20 złotych. Po przebudzeniu się ze snu, pijaczek niezmiernie zdziwiony wziął pieniądze i poszedł do sklepu. Ekspedientka poznała go już z daleka i chcąc popisać się pamięcią spytała:
- I co panie Józiu, znów czysta ? - Na to pijaczek - Nie, denaturat. Po czystej cholernie dupa piecze !

Zataczający się pijaczek zaczepia w parku młodego mężczyznę i mówi:
- Paaniee, gdzie jaa jesstem???
- W Łodzi.
- W łodzii to jaa wiem, ale na jakim oceanie...

Dwóch facetów wnosi trzeciego zupełnie nawalonego, tak że nie może się utrzymać na nogach. Siadają przy barze i jeden mówi do barmana:
- Dwa piwa!
- A ten w środku nie pije? Pyta barman.
- Nie, to kierowca.

Kredyt umarł, kryzys żyje, kto nie płaci, ten nie pije.

- Gdybyśmy przed baranem postawili wiadra: z wodą i z alkoholem, to czego się napije baran? - pyta prelegent usiłujący różnymi przykładami przekonać słuchaczy, że picie alkoholu jest szkodliwe.
- Wody! - odkrzykują słuchacze.
- Tak! A dlaczego?!
- Bo baran!

Siedzi dwoch pijaczków w knajpie. Pija ostro. Okolo pólnocy:
- Wiesz stary, muszę już iść.
- A daleko masz?
- Nie, na Matejki, tu zaraz obok.
- Tak? Ja też mieszkam na Matejki. Dwanaście.
- Co ty!? To jesteśmy sąsiadami. Ja pod dwójka na parterze.
- Zaraz... To Ja mieszkam pod dwójka!
- Chwila....... JACUŚ?
- TATA???????

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